"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse

my testament

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 20:45:35 GMT

valentines day has always seemed so fake to me.

i mean honestly, i truely believe that if you're with the person you are supposed to be with, you would celebrate your love for that person everyday, not just a random day in february. it seems so commericalized, i mean i would rather have a random bunch of flowers, never cliche roses, sent to my work on a completely random day then on valentines day. the day just seems forced. i wonder when i see people buying candy, flowers, and balloons how many of them actually have a loving relationship.

its also odd, because i see husbands take their wives out for the holiday to chilis, and spend the whole time ignoring her or talking on his cell phone, don't get me wrong wives are just as terrible to their husbands, but why fake it. even if it's valentines day stay at home and dont try and celebrate a love that isn't there.

this holiday also brings out the most emo-ist people, i mean feeling lonely is never something to treasure, but if you are unhappy being alone just sends out warning flags. you are going to be you forever, loves come and go, but if you are not satisfied with just being you, you are going to have a problem. if you can't be alone you are always going to depend on someone, and that's just scary to me for some reason. i never want to depend on someone no matter how much i love him.

this valentines day, i am actually spending it with someone i care about, which i am thankful for. i hope he doesn't think it's necessary to go out and spoil me for the day. i dont need flowers, jewelry, or balloons because everyday, is valentines day with him...

hahaha that was terrible and very out of character for me.

fyi:

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 20:08:39 GMT

i am going to be completely wasted legally tomorrow...

and by wasted i mean, completely fall down drunk.

if you want to participate in the festivities, phone me and i will give details.

my scalp is buring.

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 05:43:17 GMT

i just realized that i am loving my life lately.

im sitting here with black hair dye in and listening to zack and ryan singing the honorary title.

it's the cutest thing ever i love them both so much.

they think it's humerous that i know Justin Timberlake's birthday.

sometimes we all find ourselves in interesting positions.

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:22:44 GMT

our first picture.

just so you know.....

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 22:13:52 GMT

i'm pretty confident that i have the best boyfriend ever.

and he's amazing.

even if he likes hardcore.

zack and i are pretty much the hottest people ever.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 01:26:58 GMT

so zack and i went on a photo shoot the first day we ever hung out. and yeah he's probably one of those core friends that you always have. i'm pretty much in love with this boy. we went to diversions and watched these boys play strip pool, kinda entertaining, kinda not. one of these boys that we met will be later referred to in this journal as landon, so keep my friends straight.

us playing in the streets downtown.

me being taught how to play pool by two very hot guys who like boys just as much as me

god i ♥ diversions.

not worth a subject because you could never use a title.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 02:56:54 GMT

im over you.

with the help of my recent addiction to gay boys, pseudo boyfriends, and liquor. you now mean nothing to me. im posting this just so you know that you have lost all power and have lost your pointless game.

im not going to let you hurt me anymore.

untitled

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 20:48:02 GMT

i hate you Josh.

Fuck and Run Lyrics - Exile in Guyville Album

I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that secret old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

You got up out of bed
You said you had a lot of work to do
But I heard arrest in your head And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that secret old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

You almost felt bad You said that I should call you up but
I knew much better than that
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend my whole life alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

i posted this in my myspace, but i liked it so much i thought i would put it here too.

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 08:38:10 GMT

Apparently, I am the only exgirlfriend of TJ, that isn't all upset about him. Let me just say, I don't know you girls but I'm willing to bet my life that you are too good for him. Although TJ can be nice to be around for a day, but anything other than that is just too much.

1. TJ is a child. He really doesn't have much of a future. We dated for like 9 months, except for that little vacation he spent at the Cass County Jail. He's 25, almost 26 years old, and he depended on a 20 year old for everything. He had no ambition and didn't mind being a scrub. He has talent but no will to make anything of himself. He had no opinion on anything, except when his body modification website was being shut down for something to do with the government. Which ironically his password got changed so he couldn't get on it anyways.

2. He shows no emotion toward anyone at anytime. Although for some reason I got him to cry, one morning when we were having a fight and he was being his usual asshole self he told me he "loved" me and i told him, that i never loved him. Seeing him cry was the high point in our relationship and it's the only reason i didnt break up with him then. I mean, I know he cared about me. But when you're so apathetic about life, all you can discuss with him are unintellectual things.

3. He has a severe anger issue. I can't count the number of times he threw things at me mostly remotes, especially when we are fighting about Joaquin Phoniex, punched fans, and got mad when I won trivial persuit by answering an N Sync question correctly. No one deserves to deal with it, and the only reason I didn't throw him out was because he didn't have anywhere to go.

4. The fourth reason is kind of personal to him, and it's not my business to spread his past,that had nothing to do with me, around via myspace.

5. He's a SLUT.

6.You can never depend on him. I was in a car accident, and I called him and he made me drive myself to the hospital, and later went out drinking without calling me until the next day.

7. He made racist comments all the time just to piss me off.

8. He was totally unthankful when i was supporting him. Driving him to and from working, making sure he didn't starve to death, putting a roof over his head, fuck if i would of wanted that responsiblitly i would of got knocked up and called it a day.

9.Why settle for TJ, when clearly Andy is much hotter?

for these reasons, after he left, i never thought about him romantically again. other than the fact that when we were together being around him would make me the biggest bitch ever, cause i kind of hated him. sure i hear someone say, "fair enough" my heart feels nostaglia. Or when I listen to "Jeremy" the song about the turtle i remember his terrible impressions of ska i feel a little sad. but never ever do i wish things would have worked out between us.

i'm surrounded by people who are much better students then me.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 21:44:04 GMT

ok.. so i haven't updated in a while. i need to get better at this. i am kind of a slacker in every way shape and form.

1. thanksgiving went well. i've got this love/hate relationship with my family. i really enjoy them. i really miss them when i'm gone. but sometimes when i'm there i really wish i wasn't. it's just that i have to put on this act with them. i have to pretend like everything is going great. i really am unsure of my sister, she's such a follower. i hate that.that's one thing i have never been. so i can't relate to the feeling of being a follower. she acts like a totally different person when she's around her friends. i wish she would just step up and be who she's supposed to be, not what her friends expect of her.

2. i really hate t-mobile. like seriously? did they think i would buy this phone and continually pay for service that never worked. yes. do i? yes.

3. i went to see rent on thanksgiving with my sister. it was so good. i've decided that i would do anything for racial and gay equalitly.

4. my hard drive on my laptop exploded or something. losing all my stuff. music, pictures, homework, you name it.

5. i'm having severe father drama that i have no one to talk about it with, cause no one understands. probably more about that later.

6. i have more but i have to go to class...

dear livejournal.

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 08:20:07 GMT

i promise to write more in the morning. because i am so sleepy right now.

love,
jess.

i started this yesterday when dell was wasting my time.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:39:30 GMT

Five Songs you know by memory
1. "it's all about the benjamins"-puff daddy and friends, i only know the lil' kim version
2. "you oughta know"-alanis morisette
3. "college kids" relient k
4. "a better place a better time" - streetlight manifesto
5. "little red corvette"-prince

Five Things you can't live without:
1. myspace
2. shows
3. texting
4. diet coke
5. my hair straightener

Five things you would buy with $1000:
1. a laptop that actually works
2. lots of CDs
3. that cute shirt from banana republic that i cant afford
4. i would go on vacation
5. hahah friends

Top Five Locations I want to run away to:
1. Hawaii
2. Toronto
3. London
4. Paris
5. Sydney

Name five bad habits you have:
1. caring what other people think
2. i'm a little messy
3. getting attached to people easily
4. feeling like i need to be in a relationship to be anything of worth
5. listening to songs over and over and over and over again

Name 5 people currently on your bad side:
1. Kent County Libraries
2. Josh for mocking my uber-emo music
3. Marla for never coming home, or calling anymore
4. Chilis for making me work all the time
5. Grand Valley State University

Name 5 Random facts about yourself:
1. i like umbrellas
2. i hate the donnie darko theme song
3. i used to have kittens but i wasn't responsible enough to take care of them
4. i am computer illiterate
5. i have gotten more shy as i have gotten older

Name 4 Random facts about your family:
1. My grandma and great-grandma had kids within a year of each other
2. All my cousins except one are on myspace
3. I look like no one in my family
4. My grandma is in Hawaii this week

What are you doing this weekend:
1. Work
2. HOMEWORK
3. cleaning my room
4. Sleeping

Ever fallen for your best guy friend?: yes.
Made out with JUST a guy friend?: yes.
Been in love?: yes.i don't like this question.
Been in lust?: yes.
Done something you regret?: yes.
Last person you touched?: In what way? Josh, and that is none of your business
You talked to?: Josh. He's sitting at the table with me
You hugged?: Still Josh.
You instant messaged?: Mike.
You yelled at?: i try not to yell at anyone
You had a crush on?: i don't have crushes. i don't like guys.
Do you color your hair?: yes, i dye it black. im so scene.
Have tattoos?: never
Piercings?: ears and eyebrow that refuses to close
Floss daily?: in a perfect world
Own a webcam?: i do, but i dont know how to work it
Habla espanol?: i've went to spain. but no.
Considered a life of crime?: yes. crosses my mind all the time. it's just easier that way.
Are you psycho?: im sure i am.
Schizophrenic?: no. i dont think so.
Obsessive?: yes. with some people.
Obsessive compulsive?: nope.
Anxiety?: only when i breathe.
If you could be anywhere, where would you be?: somewhere where people have absolutely no expections of me
What are you listening to?: The Presidents of the United States of America- "Peaches"
Current Clothes: red bouncy skirt with orange flowers a tan hoodie tee with with a purple long tank top under it
Current Hair: actually doing what i want it too.. actually perhaps cute
Current Desktop Picture: a picture Josh put on it of a simpsons episode with uncle same eating the world, saying "try and stop us"

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 08:58:08 GMT

so, i can't sleep. nothing out of the ordinary. i normally don't sleep. except when your here. i can sleep when your here. i know i'm safe. i know that maybe you don't love me anymore, but i know you would never let anyone hurt me. i know you're mad at me, which is fine i overreacted and i'm sorry. this situation is just hard for me. i care about you, but i'm really scared. the most scared i have ever been about anything. i feel asleep tonight only to be woken up by the worse dreams i've ever have. unconciously, reaching for you. finding myself at the edge of the bed, where if my life was perfect would be your side of the bed. my bed smells like you, that comforting, consoling, familar, and josh smell. and when i close my eyes in my darkened room and embrace the pillow we've ruined with hair dye and smell your smell, i instantly go back in time to a time where things were simpler. laying in your bed, with the blue cotton sheets, and your blue and red comforter pulled up to my neck laying on my right side and looking into those piercing blue eyes. i could feel that you loved me, in the way that you looked at me, i felt it. it was true. i long for that feeling. after we were finished i tried so hard to feel that way about anyone. just to forget you. it didn't work.

i don't really understand how you can feel so close to God one day, and not be able to feel him the next day at all. walking on the bridge on tuesday i felt comforted, i felt God's plan. and i didn't understand it, but i knew God would be there helping, loving, caring, and guiding me through all the hardships, all the perfect moments, and even the moments so dull that they are not worth remembering. i am totally prepared to lay down my life for Jesus. i know it's not going to be easy, and i know that i will love God with everything i have. you were right about the past, it doesn't define me. and i'm ready to let it go, and be the person God planned for me. i can't blame God for the things that hurt me so much, He didn't want that to happen and it wasn't His fault.

right now. i long to just hear your voice. whether or not we work our or not, you will have my heart, forever and always. whether you want it or not. i will always look back at us as the only perfection i've ever had in my life. you are the best person i have ever met. i will miss you everyday, and think about what could have been. all i really want is to "purple-ize the walls and we'll purple-ize the floor" with you.

at this very moment, all i want to do is walk into the kitchen and pour myself the strongest drink known to man. crown and coke would be the best thing to happen to me. i've even memorized where it sits in my refrigerator. that and the left over diet coke would work wonderfully with my sadness. making it hard to feel anything but the drunkeness clouding my brain, impossible to feel, the warm false sense of acceptance running down my throat. i am unsatisfied. even though i crave it, i won't do it, i won't provide myself with something that isn't true, something that is wrong, and i know it. a warm bath and something to help me sleep is all i need.

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 08:26:13 GMT

Yes, I really am Carrie Bradshaw's number one fan. It's late I have class at 11:30 tomorrow, I should be in bed, in fact that's all I can think about at this very moment. That and I really hate class. College is a cruel joke my mom forced me to enroll in. Going to try and take my new best friend, perscription drug Flexeral and sleep. It makes me feel very tingle-y and makes me unable to think of things that bother me.